Marriage Retrospective

One of my friends got married yesterday.

Now on the one hand I am truly happy for them and hope they have a blessed life together.

On the more cynical (and afraid of marriage) hand - I ask myself "How long will it really last? It seems a bit too soon."

And I think I have just made a mistake in telling my bf about my feelings towards marriage right at this point in time.

We've been together 4 years. Some ups and downs, mostly ups (which is good) and coasting along.

But he has such a romanticised vision of marriage (I think) and its just something I'm not ready for, or particularly want. And our visions of "our" marriage are COMPLETELY different.

Him: Church with all the bells and whistles

Me: Somewhere as far away from a church as possible. No stately home either. A beach and a few people. Nothing fancy. Cocktails in the pool for a reception. NO CHEESY MUSIC!

Seeing my Mum nurse my Dad for nearly 20 years too has severely skewed my view of marriage. I do NOT want to be the one nursing someone. Or to be nursed. I would rather kill myself than have someone to nurse me with no point. No way out just constant care. A personal hell if you wish.

I have come to resent the time taken from my Mum, and my family, for having to care for my Dad. Now that seems so harsh to me, but its the truth. There's a whole lifetime that Mum could of experienced, but out of love (and pride) she chose to nurse my Dad. And he resented himself for being that way, and no way out. You could see it in his eyes, in his reactions occasionally when Mum did something for him that previously he could do but then suddenly couldn't.

Anyway... back to my feelings today. I am scared stiff of marriage. The commitment, the responsibility, the uncertainty, the expectations. All of it. Aren't women supposed to WANT this? I don't! Not even close! The men are supposed to feel this, not the other way around.

But then I have never been what you'd call "normal".

I like the idea of marriage. The actual possible doing it gives me the willies.

Things are sometimes more difficult

I thought I'd be more upset on the anniversary of Dad's death. But no, the grief started to come out over his birthday. Don't know why, just did. Seemed to hurt more.

Had a lot of ups and downs recently. Some of which, physically and monetarily, I would NOT like to revisit.

I've finally had a diagnosis for what's put me literally on my back for roughly 6 weeks. I've had two slipped discs. And paid out over £400 to treat it, only to be told "time is a healer". WTF?!

In the processes of finding out if I can claim back any of the money I've paid out for someone to misdiagnose me and also take my money and not actually change the treatment when it wasn't working.

Any who...

Sold a lot of my clothes as well. I'm fudged if I gain weight!!!! I have mainly size 18's (new) left in my wardrobe!! Sticking to a size 16-18 now. Feel very comfortable. The last stone will eventually come off, but I need to start making better choices and listen to my body not my mind.

One Year On...

I haven't written in here for over a year. There have been some very painful demons I've had to conquer and some time I've needed to reflect.

I went up two dress sizes after my Dad passed away. Over 6 months I managed to gain nearly 3 stone, til I did something about it in December. I was trying to fill the void I had from losing my father with food. Its taken me a long time to realise that it doesn't work, it just makes you unhappier.

I have taken on a healthier eating plan, and started exercising too.

I've gone down now-from a size 24/26 to a size 16/18.

Tuesday was a hard day, I did emotionally eat, but not as much as I previously would have done.

I'm now running the Race For Life next week

I'm also part of a plus-size girl band "The Curvy Kittens". So things are definitely looking up.

I'm still with Rich, I'm still at home... *rolls eyes*. I care for my Mum now. I'm working part time in a sweet shop, I've set up my own face and body painting business. I'm still vocal coaching.

Expect more from me as I start to blog again. Its been too long.

Sky has fallen, but a rainbow's up ahead

Dad passed away yesterday, 7am.

He only went into hospital for something trivial- bless him he couldn't wee so Mum rang NHSDirect and they advised to get him in hospital to be catheterized then they'd take him home.

He deteriorated in the night. Its sad because he wasn't with any family, but I feel he just wanted to let go his own way, not have us see him suffer anymore.

I have yet to visit Dad in the Chapel of Rest... we have been looking at funeral songs today, and photos.

Yesterday I was completely numb. Cried for a total of about 2 minutes then just went on auto-pilot.

Today the tears are coming every so often, not lots but floods in short bursts.

Everyone has been so lovely and kind, its nice to see that, even at this sad time. And I know he's not suffering any more... and quite possibly chasing the busty blonde angels around Heaven...

Sky is falling...

Since writing my last post terrible things have happened

The day after we took him back from A&E after his fall, he had his biopsy results about a lump under his arm. Dad was diagnosed with lymphoma. The NHS website states Lymphoma as: "Lymphoma is a cancer of the lymphatic system. The lymphatic system is made up of a series of vessels and glands, known as lymph nodes. These are spread throughout your body, much like your blood vessels.

The lymphatic system is part of your immune system. It carries lymph around your body. Lymph is a fluid full of infection-fighting white blood cells known as lymphocytes.

In lymphoma, these lymphocytes begin reproducing in an abnormal manner and begin to collect in certain parts of the lymphatic system, such as the lymphatic nodes.

The affected lymphocytes begin to lose their infection-fighting properties, making you more vulnerable to infection."

We were never told how long, or how far he is. Shit really hit the fan at one point, the carer's decided to back off as one complained about how much they had to do for Dad.

So to recap, Mum had just been released from hospital with either pneumonia or lung disease, Dad had a fall, then was diagnosed with cancer. You think they'd help more, wouldn't you?

Adult Care made many many promises to help us, some fulfilled, many not.

Finishing my degree was tough, but at least mine is over now, my poor big sis has two weeks to go still.

Mum was trying desperately to run before she could walk, we as a family we constantly trying to get her to slow down, but between the help that was promised and never materialised and the help that was there and was backing off, it was between me and Mum to get on with it.

Between me, Mum and Jo, as well as a few others, we've coped as best we can with the situation that's been presented with us

Delayed 3 Things...

Yeah I was too quick to blog that one.

My Dad was rushed into hospital on the Weds, as he'd fallen out of bed, cut his head and could have fractured something.
As it turned out he'd just been bruised. 6 hours to be told he was going to be in pain for a few days.
He's been in pain for over ten years. Every day.

I am effectively my parents carer now. I've been dealing with this for nearly 20 years, and it doesn't get any easier. It just affects you more.

Delayed 3 Things

It has come to my attention that I have had a succession of three bad things in the past week. However I was worrying yesterday that it was just two (which occured on the same day-yesterday) and I didn't take into account what happened a week ago.

Let me explain

I was preparing for a presentation/assessment for my University course, and to cut a long story short I upset myself and a friend for no good reason.

Bad Thing No. 1

Yesterday, was going along with my normal routine for a Monday, skipping around a few bits as my Mum wasn't very well- she's been unable to shake off a bad cough for a couple of weeks now. Anyway, she gets the doc out to see her, and she ends up being taken to hospital because the doc was worried about the state of her breathing. So I'm left with dealing with my Dad. My pop is really poorly as it is, Mum is his 24hr carer, and therefore knows everything about his daily routine. Unfortunately I cannot up sticks with my Uni course as I am so close to finishing - only another 4 weeks. But with the help of some amazing district nurses, two lovely women at Social Services (Adult Care) and my big sister, we've got him covered.
Its not a very pleasant situation to be dealing with at present.

Bad Thing No. 2

So later on, yesterday, I've got Pop's medication and care all sorted, just cooking myself dinner, and the phone rings.
My step-aunt Ann (whom I didn't recognise at first- I havent spoken to her since before my Nan died, lots of family discourse there...) is on the phone, and unfortunately has bad news.
My beloved Grandad Dejkalo has passed away, Sunday night. I feel horrible as I've been so busy I haven't had time to see him in about a year. I didn't even know he was poorly.

Bad Thing No. 3


So... I think myself, my sister, my Mum and Dad need to be treated with kid gloves at present.

As I write this I'm holding back the tears, much like my sis was doing this morning. We have to be strong for our parents, but when you see how helpless they are at present, it smarts not only your feelings but your guilt as well.